Full Metal Arkham Knight
by IndyJones42
Summary: (One-Shot) The Arkham Knight briefs a ragtag of selected people. (Parody of Full Metal Jacket) Rated for strong language


**Arkham Knight:** I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?

Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair.

SIR, YES SIR!

 **Arkham Knight:** If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on earth. You're not even human fuckin being. You're nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard. You will not like me. But the more you will hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair. There's no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on dykes, twats, or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless, and my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who are packed to the gear serving my beloved corp. Do you maggots understand that?

Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, I can't hear you.

SIR, YES SIR!

 **Arkham Knight:** What's your name scumbag.

 **Nino:** Sir, Private Brown sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, from now on your name is Private Snowball. Do you like that name?

 **Nino:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Well here's one thing you won't like Private Snowball, they don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall.

 **Nino:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Evillustrator:** That you John Wayne? Is this me?

 **Arkham Knight:** Who said that? Who the fuck said that?! Who's the slimy commodore shit twinkle toed cock sucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant?! Nobody, huh?! My fairy fucking godmother said it! Out fucking standing, I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I will P.T. you 'til your assholes are sucking buttermilk! Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!

 **Soldier:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm I bet it was you!

 **Soldier:** Sir, no sir!

 **Evillustrator:** Sir, I said it sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Well, no shit. What do we got here, a fuckin comedian, Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.

*punch to the stomach*

 **Arkham Knight:** You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry! You will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! Now get up, get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!

 **Evillustrator:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Private Joker why did you join my beloved corp?

 **Evillustrator:** Sir, to kill sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** So you're a killer?

 **Evillustrator:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Let me see your war face.

 **Evillustrator:** Sir?!

 **Arkham Knight:** You got a war face? Ahhhh! That's a war face, now let me see your war face!

 **Evillustrator:** SCREAMS

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit! You didn't convince me. Now let me see your real war face.

 **Evillustrator:** SCREAMS LOUDER

 **Arkham Knight:** You don't scare me. Work on it.

 **Evillustrator:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** What's your excuse?

 **Jalil Kubdel:** Sir, excuse for what sir?!

 **Arkham Knight:** I'm asking the fucking questions here Private, do you understand?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Well thank you very much. Can I be in charge for a while?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Are you shook up? Are you nervous?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, I am sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Do I make you nervous?

 **Kubdel:** Sir?!

 **Arkham Knight:** Sir what? Are you about to call me an asshole?!

 **Kubdel:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** How tall are you Private?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, five foot nine sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Five foot nine. I didn't know they stack shit that high. You trying to squeeze an itchin' on me somewhere, huh?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, it looks to me the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and end up as a brown stain under my throat. I think you've been cheated. What alley are you from anyway Private?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, Texas sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Holy dogshit! Texas is only steers and queers come from Texas Private Cowboy, and you don't look like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dick?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Are you a beat and pepper?

 **Kubdel:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around. I'll be watching you.

 **Arkham Knight:** Did your parents have any children that live?

 **Captain Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** I bet they were ripped out. You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece. What's your name fatbody?

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, Leonard Lawrence sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Lawrence? Lawrence what, of Arabia?

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** That name sounds like royalty. Are you royalty?

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Do you suck dick?

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, I bet you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** I don't like the name Lawrence. Only faggots and sailors are called Lawrence. From now on you're Gomer Pyle.

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Do you think I'm cute Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny!?

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, no sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Then wipe that disgusting grin of your face!

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Well any fucking time sweetheart!

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, I'm trying sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Private Pyle I'm going to give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds, to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you! One, two, three!

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, I can't help it sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit! Get on your knees scumbag! Now choke yourself! Goddamn it with my hand numb nuts! Don't pull my fucking hand over there, I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself! Are you through grinning?!

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, I can't hear you!

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!

 **Arkham Knight:** Bullshit, I still can't hear you! Sound off like you got a pair!

 **Raincomprix:** SIR, YES SIR!

 **Arkham Knight:** That's enough. Get on your feet. Private Pyle you best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany Cufflinks. Or I will fuck you up.

 **Raincomprix:** Sir, yes sir!


End file.
